Amazing how getting older makes us all hypocrites!

If you take offense to that and puff up all chesty and such, “who does he think he is saying all of us, I aint no hypocrite”. Yeah, I did, and yeah you are. So am I! Hear me out…

I was thinking about this the other day. It doesn’t matter if you are a Satanist, a Christian, a Catholic, you believe in nothing, or you believe that everything should be “free” and actually believe its “free” (democrat), or are into war mongering for financial gain (republican), we were all taught not to lie, right? Even a satanist gets pissy when lied to. So scratch that one off the list already! Satan was a big fan of lying. I read that once…. in books…..

Still dont agree? Before we get in there all deep like, lets hop in the ol’ way back machine.

A while back, my son was going through a solid stint of lying about whatever. Silly stuff, for no reason…

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Like…

I ask him, “buddy? have you gone no. 2 today?”

He says, “yes”…

I say, “You’re saying your stomach hurts, are you sure?”

He says “yes, I swear”.

I say, “Well, I guess we’ll have to go to the doctor…”

He says “Okay…”

I say, “He will probably give you a shot to fix it.”

He says, “Well, I don’t remember if I did”

I say, “maybe you should try, before we go?”

So he goes, and no joke, I can hear it through the door, and out in the living room for almost 10 minutes. He comes out, looks at me, “Yeah, I didn’t, got it now though, I don’t need a shot…”. I know buddy…

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Or, I ask him, “Is your room clean?”

He says, “Yeah!”

I say, “Are you sure?”

He says, “Yeah!”

I say, “Alright, I’m going to go back there to check it out…”

He says, “We cant go back there”

I say, “Why?”

He says, “If we go back there, I wont be able to help myself… I’ll make another mess!”

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Or the ever classic, sneaking a bucket of candy to bed at night.

I move the bed out to find his TV remote, look down and holler to him…

“Hey buddy!”

“Yeah”

“Did you dig into that big bucket of Halloween candy from Saturday?” (Now Monday)

“NO?!”

As I’m staring at a pile of wrappers behind, under, and stuffed in the cracks everywhere….

“Are you sure buddy?”

“Yeah”

“Then where did all these wrappers come from and why is the bucket in your closet?”

Pause………. “Must have been those racoons you hate so much… You know they get into everything!”

“How did they get in your room?”

He says, serious as ever “You know they are so sneaky…”

Gather around buddy… Life lesson time… You either need to stop lying, or get much better at it…

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Did you catch that up there? While catching him in a lie, I told him a lie about the doctor and a shot. Hypocrite? Check…!

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Fast forward to another time, not my lie, but indulge me… It was at Church, we were listening to the youth minister giving a class on lying and how there is no such thing as a white lie… A lie is a lie and all are sins no matter the severity. Now wait for it, this one is my greatest triumph ever…!

He is the type that is holier than thou right, you know the type, they look down at you from on high, expecting respect and reverence as they are better than you in every way, and you need to know it. Well, he is giving the most boring obnoxious “lesson” on lying ever and I look around the room. Maybe its just me? No, its not just me, half the people sitting there are almost asleep, or are asleep. One guy removed his shoe lace and is desperately attempting to fashion a noose, and just about the moment I was going to help that fella get that noose right so I could use it too, I hear the “teacher” open up for questions…

Oh buddy, its go time! “Sir Sir, I have a question”, (lets liven this room up a bit). “I don’t know about everyone else here, but I have found that lying is a very effective parenting tool” To which everyone who was awake, began to laugh, people woke up, the “teacher” began to turn red…

The goading begins… I’ve thrown the line out there, just waiting for the bite to set the hook.

He begins the nervous laughter, then tries to reprimand me in a Godly manner.

This is the point, I should probably let everyone know I’m the Preachers Kid, my father, the Preacher, is sitting next to me… He isn’t overly moved by this educational event himself… My father gives me the look that says, I know what you are doing, and I approve, good luck.

So, this “teacher” with his wife scowling at me the entire time, speaks directly at me, and says “yes, that’s funny, but we know that it is not okay in the eyes of God”… I smile, and have been waiting and waiting, here was my chance, the end of the pole is dancing all over the place!!!!

Time to set the hook, I grab the pole and I yank as hard as I can and BOOM! FISH ON!!

I say, “So you have never given even the slightest fib to your kids (3 of them) ever?

Pulling back on that pole and reeling it in now, the tension is now palpable… Pun intended…

His wife now staring daggers through me, he says “I may have had thoughts, but prayed about it, and came to the conclusion that I would not disobey God and damn my soul for lying.”

I smile, and let out the line to let him run a bit, not because he won, but because I was having too much fun, and still hadn’t given my biggest tug to rip that fish in. In my head I’m saying “so, right at the point of lie or don’t, you tell your child, hold on kiddo, I need to pray… Then pray, and God immediately gets back to you, saying “NOOO don’t doit!”, then you answer your child with the “truth?”… Come on now, but…

I say, “I can understand that, its always good to give it to God when faced with a damning situation…” His wife calms a bit, he calms a bit. They no longer look like they will kill me as soon as they get the chance… Breath was finally let out, the waters calm, the line goes limp…

I look around…. Then yank that pole back as hard as I can and rapid fire begin reeling in!

I say, “So what did you tell your kids about Santa? You know, the list the old fat man makes that he checks twice?”

An audible gasp came from the group, I look around the room, and everyone is on the edge of their seats, pearls firmly clutched through the deafening silence for his retort, that never seems to come. In what seemed like hours of dead silence I swear I heard God say…

Then, the silence is broken in stuttering fashion… He says “I… didn’t… teach… my children about Santa… I only taught them about the real story of Christmas.”

To which I say, “I feel like God has room for both… and I think by that thought process, everyone else sitting here has their soul in jeopardy for speaking of Santa and his elves… and pardon my blaspheme, but even the elf on the shelf” Everyone laughed and agreed in their different ways. Now the seething hate was back, his wife was already plotting how she was going to cut my brake lines and send me over a cliff! He abruptly ends the “lesson” and broke the class… Since the “class” was ended so abruptly, I didn’t even get a chance to grab my net to finish pulling my prize winning fish out for the weigh in and award ceremony! I was robbed, which is also against the good Lord’s teachings… Thou shall not steal, and you stole this from me!!! Off to purgatory you go my friend.

We all go to the Church pitch in lunch and just walking around talking to people. My son and daughter are running around having fun, I come around the corner when they make the cattle call to get to eatin’, and here my daughter is talking to the “teacher”. I step back and listen in…

He says to her, “you really shouldn’t be running with gum in you mouth, you could choke.” I roll my eyes a bit and think, well… fair…

My daughter says, “its okay, I’ll just swallow it.”

To which I look up to the heavens, and ask “are you really going to give me this?” Then God answered…

He looked at my 4yo daughter and said, “You shouldn’t do that, that gum will stay in your tummy for 7 years!”

I immediately grab that pole and find the net, look to the man up stairs, give a wink and a nod, then walk up to my daughter and say, “You know hun? I believe he is right, especially coming from a prophet of God, right buddy?” As white as a ghost, he answers me with the most profound and well thought out answer I could ever imagine in my entire life!

“yeah” followed by insanely nervous, bordering on psychotic, chuckling…

I sent my daughter to throw away her gum, then looked at him and with a big smile on my face, said, “7 years eh’, I think we might have had a class on that this morning, didn’t we?” I grabbed the net dipped it in the water and scooped out the biggest fish I had ever caught… EVER!! He chuckled angrily, and responded “maybe….” I looked him directly in the eyes, chuckled and turned around and walked over to the podium where I had my fish weighed, slapped with the blue ribbon, gold medal adorned my neck, and I stood there for the next 2 hrs taking pictures of my catch!

True story… and those of you that know me, know I would do this every day and even twice on Sunday, literally…

Though I fear God, I’d kill to have a glass of that, roughly 4 BC era wine with him. My God has a sense of humor….

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You see, there are 2 different types of hypocrite. The ones that are and know they are (Me), and the ones that are, but wont come to terms with it and will die on the hill that they are not (like that “teacher”)…

Have you ever told your kiddo, “cracking your knuckles will give you arthritis!”? Lie…

How about “Chocolate Milk comes from Brown Cows” Lie…

Maybe “If you keep crossing your eyes, they will get stuck that way!” Lie…

Possibly “If you swallow the watermelon seeds, watermelons will grow in your stomach!” Lie…

Could be that dollar you put under your kiddo’s pillow when they lost a tooth, from the tooth fairy? Lie…

Maybe the classic “If you sit that close to the TV you will damage your eyes” Proven Lie… No lasting effects…

How about “Touch that toad, you’ll get warts!” Lie…

How many pets do you have living on a nice farm upstate? Lie…

Coffee stunts your growth! Lie…

Or “If you pee in the pool, it will change colors!” Lie…

Ever tell your kid “You are the most smartest, most talented kid in the world!!!” No they are not, there is only one person in the world that can legitimately say that, and you are not them… Promise. Lie…

Did you ever drive by the candy store, the toy store, the chucky cheese and the kids are screaming to go, but you are just not into it that day?? Did you tell them, it was closed? Lie……….

Storks deliver babies…. Need I say more? Lie…

So, lets all take ourselves a little less seriously, and have a good laugh at our own hypocrisy! Practice a little “Do as I say, Not as I do” and always remember, no matter what someone says to your face…

Lying is a very effective parenting tool!